Children: Reign of Terror

3 December 2010, 18:17

One of the few legitimate lessons from Star Trek is one that seems to have gone completely unheeded: prepubescent children are a threat to our existence. Now there’s a murmur that some regions want to consider imposing a ban on alcohol-infused whipped cream because of some imaginary danger that 10 year olds are going to consume it in Adam Richman quantities. Lousy mooching kids.

Apart from societies where boarding schools are the norm, pre-teenage children serve only one function: lawn work.

Miri, Charlie X, And the Children Shall Lead: the stories needed the same conclusion. Captain Kirk should have located an uninhabited planet whose surface was covered in lush, overgrown grass, beamed the little fuckers down and said, MOW MY LAWN.” No objections such as “I hate grups”, no “Mister Loveydovey”. Collect them when they’re old enough to behave and have matured sufficiently to have developed taste.

Rodney Eric Griffith



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