Children: Reign of Terror

3 December 2010, 18:17

One of the few legitimate lessons from Star Trek is one that seems to have gone completely unheeded: prepubescent children are a threat to our existence. Now there’s a murmur that some regions want to consider imposing a ban on alcohol-infused whipped cream because of some imaginary danger that 10 year olds are going to consume it in Adam Richman quantities. Lousy mooching kids.

Apart from societies where boarding schools are the norm, pre-teenage children serve only one function: lawn work.

Miri, Charlie X, And the Children Shall Lead: the stories needed the same conclusion. Captain Kirk should have located an uninhabited planet whose surface was covered in lush, overgrown grass, beamed the little fuckers down and said, MOW MY LAWN.” No objections such as “I hate grups”, no “Mister Loveydovey”. Collect them when they’re old enough to behave and have matured sufficiently to have developed taste.

Rodney Eric Griffith

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Headline FAIL

18 November 2010, 08:01

The headline of yesterday’s Hollywood Reporter story on the firing of Epic Records president Amanda Ghost and how she “destroyed” the label should have been “EPIC FAIL.”

The culpability for problems with Epic Records has to begin with whoever revived the label’s late 1970s script logo, which is branded to the period when Columbia cheapened everything they touched.

Rodney Eric Griffith

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A Word

8 November 2010, 13:00

A quick note on the recent set of sketches: Some of the minifictions were extemporaneous and none of them were intended for any permanence except maybe The Illustrator, because I really like the idea of a modern men’s adventure novel. I’m not sure how long the joke could be sustained.

The book idea I’m working on has nothing to do with any of this. While I originally planned to publish excerpts here the whole Cooks Source brouhaha has made me wary of doing so right now. On the other hand, how else am I going to go about it?

Rodney Eric Griffith

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Monster Mashup

31 October 2010, 11:46

Moderator: All right, we are taking a break from the proceedings in order to have a brief panel discussion on what is so far developing within the story, such as it is. Let me start with this question: are characters like “Warrington” or “Six Figure Man” truly evil? I ask this because their motivation seems to be money.

The Author: Their agenda is dominance. They just aren’t very good at it or very honest about it, especially with themselves. That’s why they’re monsters. Their behaviour is completely unnecessary. It benefits them in a financial sense to varying degrees, but at the end of the day they’re not in a position that can be genuinely construed as triumphant. All they can do is obstruct, and they think of this as being a necessary part of existence.

J. Hilary Boob, trademark of Subafilms Ltd.: Aa-ah! So you purport to write your own critical notices before even finishing the creative work itself! I applaud you.

The Author: FUCK YOU, BOOB! You were the worst fucking thing in that film. How dare you impede on my subconscious! And how dare you be right! Also, you look like a blob and yet call yourself “Boob”.

Danny: If I might interrupt, I think the author’s intent is to provide a “ripped from the headlines” atmosphere, or, given the funereal approach, a “ripped from the headstones” atmosphere.

What we have here is a monster film in which the monsters aren’t very powerful. Although they do have an unholy influence over the lives of their victims, the monsters are themselves subject to the same conditions. Their obliviousness to this situation is what enhances the sense of melancholy that permeates the combined narrative.

Clara: It is also important to note that at this point there have been few featured protagonists. The only dynamic hero figure, unless you count a parody aside based on Walker, Texas Ranger (and you shouldn’t), is The Illustrator, who is more antihero.

Kyle: Hey, I’m all hero.

Clara: Well, there’s no real story if it’s just Kyle punching people in the face.

Kyle: That would be awesome.

The Moderator: Coming up later, we’ll take a look at the many films of Michael Ripper. And, in our next installment, a new hero from an age of heroes takes centre stage.

Rodney Eric Griffith

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The Illustrator

30 October 2010, 12:25

Sunshine over a garbage town, the agency not helping. Kyle crouched behind the precipice. His view was perfectly unobstructed. His time management meant the rifle was perfectly calibrated and would slip neatly into his leather shoulder bag when the assignment was complete. Then it would be breakfast in a more appetizing place, maybe the Heights. He could sketch while nursing his second cup of coffee.

Everything about this city offended him. An aesthetic sense of justice compelled him to take this job, even though it meant two hours in this dump, where his career had been trashed without a drop of compassion. They took his future in art away from him. That’s when he became known as The Illustrator.

He drew a peacock in his head. Then he drew a bead. Pay per click.

Suddenly a woman came into view—shit!—the target’s blood and a Starbuck’s latte splashed over her as she screamed. She’s going to be mad about the coffee, thought Kyle. The rest was no surprise.

The Illustrator knew the Pantone color of blood was always the same.

Rodney Eric Griffith

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